he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
