at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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