Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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