my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
