I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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