she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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