so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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