I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
