please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
