Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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