Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
