You really coming over, don't trick.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What a dumb baby whore.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
