so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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