I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When did angry sex become our thing?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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