he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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