Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
