I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
