My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
