Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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