Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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