I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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