woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dear god my vagina.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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