3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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