i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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