It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
