Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
