Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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