dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
