dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
