You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
