i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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