i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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