dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
