Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
