Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
