Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
