he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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