be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
