She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
