My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
