I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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