Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
