My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want her autograph on my taint
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
