her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize