i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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