u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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