you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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