Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
