the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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