I want to make a zoo with you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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