I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I lost the right to judge tonight
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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