**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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