i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
