saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
