My cat gives me a boner
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we're making bets on your personal life
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
