I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
