But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
