The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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