I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
